Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Question time -- a comedy in 2 scenes

        Anonymous's suggestion that someone knowledgeable might infiltrate Mike Bara's upcoming Powerpointery had me fantasizing about how that might go.

MUS. CUE:  Harp arpeggios

Scene 1: DAY.INT. CENTURY C ROOM, LAX HILTON. 4:45 PM SUNDAY FEBRUARY 10th.

Mike Bara
 OK, well, that's about it. I think we have time for a few questions.  OK, yes, on the right here.

1st Knowing Questioner
 Mike, could we have a look at the image of Asada again, please?


Yes, that's the one. You say it's a satellite dish. That's a detail from an Apollo 16 lunar orbital shot, right? AS16-121-19438, as I recall. What's the resolution of that shot, Mike?


Mike Bara
I don't know off the top of my head. What's your point?


1KQ
Well, Asada's 12 km across. I measured before coming out here and it's 78 pixels in the image. So that's 154 metres per pixel, give or take. Are you aware that Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter has shot Asada at 0.8 metres per pixel, nearly 200 times better than the Apollo 16 shot?


Mike Bara
Yes, of course I'm aware, douchebag. How was life in that Turkish prison? Get along well with your cell-mate, did you?


1KQ
My point is -- why would you use a poorly resolved, 40-year old image when a far better image is easily available from the LROC library?


Mike Bara
Look, you abject moron, I'm fed up with explaining simple things to haters like you. The sun angle is just too high in those Reconnaissance Orbiter shots. Security!


1KQ IS HUSTLED OUT BY TWO SAMOAN BOUNCERS. HE THROWS OUT A PHOTO PRINT AS HE GETS TO THE DOOR.




Scene 2: DAY.INT. CENTURY C ROOM, LAX HILTON. 4:51 PM SUNDAY FEBRUARY 10th.

 Mike Bara
Sorry about that, folks. I think that asshole must have just come from Barney Frank's boudoir or something. Time for one more... Yes, at the back...

2nd Knowing Questioner (female)
I'd like to take another look at the image of the glass skyscrapers, from chapter 4 of your book. Yes -- No, the close-up. Yes, that's the one.


It's from Apollo 10, which stayed in lunar orbit and didn't land, right? Your skyscrapers aren't in the online version of that shot.

Mike Bara
No, of course they aren't. NASA airbrushed the negative. Oh Christ! Not another douchebag. You're as ugly as Tara Jordan or Sarah Bilgri. Please don't reproduce.

2KQ
So your version came from Ken Johnston's personal collection, right? Those were all 10x8 photo-prints, right? Well, who scanned that print?

Mike Bara
I dunno, Richard Hoagland I assume. Yes, it was Richard.

2KQ
So the NASA version was scanned in clean conditions using professional equipment, and your version was done off the cuff with a consumer-grade scanner? I ask because what you call skyscrapers look to me exactly like what you'd get from a dirty, smeared scanner glass with the brightness turned way up. Isn't that a hair, up top right?

Mike Bara
Security!!

FADE TO BLACK


25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Priceless! You know it has to be done don't you? I can't go, I'm in the UK and broke! The serious thing is of course, your scenario is probably not that far from the reality. He may use more profanities to establish his 'point' and win his 'argument' of course, but essentially it's about there I'd say.

Yorkshire Pud

Ms Emma Peel said...

Actually I thought the glass skyscrapers image was an infrared picture of an alien implant.

FlightSuit said...

Hah, hah!

FlightSuit said...

I've seen photographs of Tara Jordan, and the only way Mike Bara would call her ugly would be after he realized she was way out of his league and he got himself a case of sour grapes.

Not that she's his type, though. As far as I know, Ms. Jordan does not do a lot of drunk texting, and is not easily impressed.

expat said...

These were his exact words, on Youchoob:

"Tara, talk to me when you can prove you're not so ugly that guys turn to stone when they look at your face. "

expat said...

His exact words to Sarah Bilgri (on FB) were:

"God Sarah I just looked at you pictures [sic] on your Facebook page. Please don't reproduce. You are just too ugly to be allowed to have children."

The insinuations of homosexulaity are, of course, too numerous to mention. It's a constant theme with Bara.

Anonymous said...

The references too homosexuality and ugliness could be an indicator of self loathing and unresolved issues (I love 'issues' in this context!) that pooor Miike has? I'm sure a qualified psychologist might throw soome light on the character profile who uses such methods of trying to insult people..Is Bara aware that calling someoone homosexual isn't seen as an insult by many? Or is it based on a course of gleaning his sex education from toilet walls?

Yorkshire Pud

FlightSuit said...

I am inspired! If somebody as juvenile as Bara can become a celebrated author and TV star (heh, heh), then so can I!

I think my first book will be called "Ancient A-Holes on Facebook."

expat said...

You'll find good material, of the racist kind, on FarceBook today.

FlightSuit said...

Wow. Mike Bara really is a hateful piece of shit.

I scrolled down his timeline and found some irony in the photo labeled "MIB tracking us in SC. — with Maureen Renee."

Is he joking, or does he really think shadowy, black-clad agents are "tracking" him?

If so, it's very funny that he's using Facebook to announce his whereabouts, complete with geo-tagging. What an idiot.

Chris Lopes said...

Yes, the fact that just about every piece of consumer electronics sold today comes with a GPS chip (usually turned on by default) seems to have escaped Mikey. He imagines junior G-Men in trench coats following hapless civilians around in unmarked cars. Big Brother has much more creative (and easier) ways to follow us around.

Ms Emma Peel said...

There is something utterly ironical when Mike Bara talks about ugliness. I therefore declare him guilty by association.I dont want to be rude,but Mike,you`re not exactly the James Dean type....

Strahlungs Amt said...

Did anyone notice the red stripe to the left of every shadow in that picture? Data's Head has the most pronounced stripe but it also has the strongest shadow in the picture.

In optics it's called "Chromatic Abberation". Maybe Photoshop doesn't compress images quite the same way, which is why Mikey likes a simpler program even a sixth grader could use (I know sixth graders who can use Photoshop).

Plus, there's no telling how Mikey "enhanced" the image before the show.

Strahlungs Amt said...

OK. I posted this to youtube. Let's see if Mike approves it.

Comment Pending Approval!

I can clearly see a red area to the right of every shadow in that picture and a blue stripe to the left. The stronger the shadow, the stronger the color stripes are. Bit like chromatic aberration in a telescope. It's strongest at the edge of the "head" because the "head" has the strongest shadow. It's most likely caused by the image compression combined with over saturating the colors.
Or, put another way, THERE'S NO RED STRIPE ON THE ROCK, uh HEAD!

Anonymous said...

hilarious. i needed a laugh. thanks expat. god i love this blog.

Chris said...

Chromatic aberration takes place in the optics when an image is captured.

In this case the colours are ringing artifacts caused by over-compression and saturation, introducing boundaries and opposing coloured fringes (magenta and cyan) into the boundaries, then enhancing those artifacts beyond the point of silliness. That's why the rest of the shot is littered with magenta and cyan blotches, which Mike incorrectly explains away as "noise".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ringing_artifacts

expat said...

Thanks, Chris. Your explanation fits well with the observed fact that the tiff version of the image behaves differently. Since the tiff is uncompressed, it is not subject to ringing.

FlightSuit said...

Posted recently on Mike Bara's "author" page on Facebook:

Mike Bara (Author)
Just a quick post to let everyone know the new book Ancient Aliens on Mars will not be out until the Fall. Just too busy to get it done before then.

Trained Observer said...

Maybe we can anticipate some of the content. I'm sure the whole planet will be revealed to be littered with single shoes like a south Dallas liquor store parking lot. I'm betting we'll see tubes, trees, and of course tiny condos. No doubt a whole chapter will be devoted to the odd bits the Curiosity rover has photographed IDed as discarded ancient alien propolatics or some such.

expat said...

Mike Bara dropped a hint about what he's up to, gallivanting around the USA with Maureen Elsberry and Adam Terry.

On his brother's Farcebook he posted this: "it sucks being a Sci-Fi author with a deal from a major publisher. That sucks almost as much as being the star of a new reality TV series would suck."

Oh gawd....

Chris Lopes said...

At least he's finally admitting that what he is writing is Sci Fi. That's a considerable distance from the "researcher" from New Mexico, who insists we take him seriously.

expat said...

No, Chris, it's brother Dave who has the sci-fi book contract.

Chris Lopes said...

Darn. And I was so close to having some respect for the guy.

Biological_Unit said...

I despise his gloating! Mike is an unprincipled garbage hack "writer" of the lowest character imaginable.

Binaryspellbook said...

Absolutely brilliant. I'd love to see more. Thanks Expat.