In addition, we now concede that the quotes from Ms. Poor and Prof. Papu were inventions. The reporter responsible has been placed on leave pending an investigation.
The tragic assassination of President Obama earlier today, while laying a wreath at Ground Zero, was good news for one person. That person would be self-taught "scientist" and entertainer Richard Hoagland, who brilliantly predicted this exact event yesterday on his Facebook page. Hoagland has a history of using tragic events to draw attention to himself, as when he posted on a web site that the Apollo 1 fire was a deliberate act.
Although his record of success in prediction is close to zero, he appears to have aced this one. He could not be reached for comment as he was too busy basking in the admiration of his many fans.
Georgina Poor, host of the overnight radio show These Books Are Trash, was woken to hear the news. She said "Never bet against Hoagland. I know many people see him as an uneducated and self-advertising buffoon, but I always knew he'd get one right eventually." The distinguished physicist Michel Papu said "Personally I always thought Hoagland was an insane cretin. Not so much an idiot savant as an idiot ignorant. I guess now I'll have to look again at some of his ridiculous theories."
So, as a nation mourns, the 16,000 adherents of a Facebook page can click on that icon that says "I LIKE IT!!!"
NOTE: The above text is purely satirical.